Pastors- Addressing the Pain that Won't Go Away

“I have moved on; I have a much healthier congregation now.  But I can’t seem to get past the hurt.”  

​ A pastor shared this with me during a recent coaching session.  As much as I would like to say this statement is rare, it is not.  Nearly every pastor I have talked to has hurt from previous relationships where people who they thought were friends turned on them.  Then things seem to get better when they move to another church, or the pastor does.  I have observed that pastors who have experienced this (self included), struggle with feelings of guilt, self-worth, fear and isolation.  Most are afraid to share these feelings because it may make them look weak to others.  Many would love to share these feelings but there isn’t anyone they can trust to do so.  This is the reality of ministry.  I still have reminders of these feelings going all the way back to when I started 22 years ago.  So, here are the steps that have helped me.

   1.  Be Honest with Yourself   

  Transparency seems to be a buzz word now a days, and at times can be taken to the extreme.  But, the worst thing we can do after being wounded is to deny the honest feelings we have.  Now, this doesn’t mean we wear these feelings on our sleeve and we share it with every listening ear out there.  (The cashier isn’t interested).  But, it does mean that to ourselves we admit our failures, our feelings and the hurt we are experiencing.  But, thank God, we don’t dwell.....we go to step two...    

  2.   Find out what is Truth and what is a Lie    

  Too often, I have dwelled over relationships and situations and the entire time everything in my head was a lie.  The problem was I was actually believing these lies were truth!  I believed things like, “This is ALL your fault!”, “You should have never become a pastor!”, “Everything you've done has failed!”  The dilemma is, how does one decipher what is a lie and what is truth?  We do this Through studying the scriptures that God has provided for us.  We need to compare what is in our head with what is in His Word.  This is the main dilemma- bottom line- pastors, we of all people are not in the Word as much as we should be.  (If you are praise God, I’m just speaking from personal experience and the pastors I have coached).  I am convinced this is why we have so many leaving the ministry.  We can be great preachers with tremendous leadership skills, but if our own personal spiritual development is lacking- we will not make it.  Pastor, when was the last time God taught you something new from His Word?  When was the last time there was a new truth He had for you to apply to your life?  Graduating from seminary or Bible college does not mean we graduate from growing in Christ. (2 Timothy 3:16)   

3. Find a Mentor/Coach    

  I remember the denomination assigning me a coach after being in ministry for several years.  (The standard is that regardless of experience if you change churches, you are assigned a coach).  The one they assigned to me, was actually younger then me and didn’t have near the experience I had.  (There was definitely an ego struggle with all this, amazing how ego always crops up isn’t it?- Like a whack-a-mole.)  So, I went through with this relationship.  This young, inexperienced (at least I thought) was a great help to me.  I started to look forward to every meeting.  We still meet together and talk often.  Through this experience I learned that everyone regardless of what stage of ministry they are in needs a mentor/coach.  They need someone to confide in, someone to hang out with, someone to call when things get rough.  Pastor, you are not immune to this need!    
  Finally, I invite you to look at the Of The Word Ministries Page and let us know how we can help you.  Coaching with me is........ 

Wild- (hence the nickname) God’s ways are unpredictable.     

Fun- We must find a way to laugh through our ministries.   

True- all about the truth that God has for us in His Word.   


Seeking Him,  Pastor Wildman